Heartbreak was not my intended topic this week, but sometimes you wake up with something completely different weighing on your mind.  I woke up Monday morning, and like I do most weekday mornings, I tuned into a local morning talk show.  It’s my way of easing into the day.  This morning show was different.  I knew right away something was off.  The host was somewhat baring his soul.  Some form of heartbreak was taking place in his life.  He stated that he and his family needed prayer, and he would be taking a break from the show.  I have no idea what the cause of heartbreak is that had him expressing real and raw emotion.  There are so many layers to heartbreak and grief.  It’s different for all of us, but any of us who have experience with it, know it when we see and hear it.  Heartbreak comes to us all at some point in our lives, and more than likely will rear its ugly head when we least expect it.  It will leave you battle scarred, but it also makes us more sympathetic  and caring human beings.

My first experiences with heartbreak came at an early age.   I was almost six years of age when my parents divorced.  My relationship with my father was from then on fractured at best.  Heartbreak and grief do not always stem from a death.  They can be brought on by situations that are beyond our control. Then I lost my paternal grandfather when I was 12.  By that age my mother had pretty much cut off all contact with my Dad and his family.  I was not allowed to even attend his funeral.  Poof…. people I loved were taken out of my life.  I tucked the hurt in the deepest crevices of my heart.  My maternal grandfather died when I was 23 years old.  That was my first up close and personal experience with cancer, and it’s devastating effects.  I could be brought to tears just thinking about it years after he passed.  Later on, the deaths of my Dad and sister affected me differently.  My Dad’s death left me with unanswered questions and unresolved feelings that I ultimately came to terms with..  My sister’s terminal illness and death left me with immense grief and an understanding of loss that I had never experienced before.  It has also left me feeling as if I had lost my bearings. I am still trying to work my way through that path of grief.

There are countless sources of heartbreak.  It can be death of a loved one or friend, loss of a dream and the process of letting go, betrayal by a loved one, the end of a relationship or friendship, terminal illness, a loved ones bad choices, disappointment, losing your home to a natural disaster, and the list can go on and on. Heartbreak can be walking around right in front of us.  A drug addicted or mentally ill family member can break your heart a million times.  It can often be the equivalent of watching someone dying in slow motion.  Then, you see so many children being neglected by their drug addicted, mentally ill, and neglectful parents.  You think to yourself.  Where does it end?  None of us are exempt.  Heartbreak is an equal opportunist.  We are better for our struggles or we should be.  When I say I understand, it may not entail an understanding of your particular situation, however, heartbreak is heartbreak.  If it is enough to make you cry, make you feel like you’ve been sucker punched, want to curl up in bed and pull the covers over your head,  and that the rug has been pulled out from underneath you, I understand.  Right now I have scars from previous heartbreaks,  and I have a large scab from a recent heartbreak.  Just like any scab, you think it’s healing, and you might pick at it.  It still bleeds.  More time needed for the healing.  One day those scabs will turn into scars.  Some are visible and others are naked to the eye, but there all the same.  

As I have discussed in previous posts, my most recent heartbreak occurred towards the end of last year.  It didn’t happen suddenly.  It was in the making for over two years as I watched my sister battle cancer like the fiercest warrior.  The past few months I have taken each day as it comes.  There have been good days, and there have been days when I really have to dig deep.  I am not the same person I used to be nor will I ever be again.  I am a walking example of heartbreak, and the metamorphosis that follows.  Someone told me the other day that I did not seem happy.  My response was “for the most part, I’m not.”  I am in transition.  Trying to find my bearings again.  Recalibrating.  Doing a lot of inner reflection.  Deciding for me what truly matters.  I am growing and evolving.  Continually trying to process one of the greatest heartbreaks of my life.  I am letting go of how I thought the next chapter of my life would be.  Who would be by my side.  At some point, the hurt will ease and not be as strong as it once was.  One day, I will tuck that hurt in another crevice of my heart along with the others from so many years ago.  I will find happiness again and my sense of humor that has always served me well.

Throughout this transformation, I will become stronger and more resilient.  I will continue to love my family and friends with the same intensity I always have, if not more.  Heartbreak makes you acutely aware of what can be lost.  Cling to each other, love one another, take deep breaths, indulge in moments of reprieve from this frenetic world.  Live a purposeful life and be a better person because of the heartaches you have not only endured, but survived.  Heartbreak in this life is inevitable, but so are moments of joy.  As the saying goes, “you have to take the good with the bad.”  Take one day at a time.  Know that there will be good and bad days as you process and wrap your head around what has happened or is presently going on in your life.  Be empathetic and compassionate when you can.  Exude love.  This world could use a lot more of it.  Most of all, take time to love yourself.

All the best,

Stella Elaine